When we think of relationships, what comes to mind? Is it is romance or friendship? When we think of what we want out of our relationships, what types of questions pop up?

Before we can jump into our relationship status with others, we have to address a couple important factors.

1. What does the term “relationship” mean to you?
   • Does it simply mean “romance”?
   • Does it include all the different aspects of a relationship including the one you have with yourself?
2. What kind of relationship do you have with yourself?
   • How healthy is your inner dialogue?
   • How do you show up for yourself to ensure your needs are met?

Let’s do a deeper dive and explore what this means to us.

Perspective

Notice how state of being connected is a common theme across definitions.

The ideologies we hold regarding relationships, gives us insight on what they mean to us as individuals, and where our perspective is.

Personally, I grew up thinking of relationships as romantic ones. It wasn’t until I was much older that I realized the significance of other relationships in my life, such as my relationship with my kids, my parents and siblings, my friends in addition to my romantic partner.

The moment I realized my focal points were missing key pieces, it helped me to understand where I wasn’t providing enough value (to my satisfaction) and where I might be giving and receiving sour energy in my relationships.

I could not simply work on those relationships because, there was something else that was at the root cause of my incomplete perspective.

My relationship with myself.

Relationship with self

This is – if you ask me – the most critical component of all of our relationships. How we view ourselves, how we treat ourselves is testimony to how we will show up for others, how we view others, and what our expectations are.

If say for instance we are someone who is:

• highly critical of the self
• pointing out every mistake
• riding their own backs to say they aren’t doing enough
• pushing themselves to pour from an empty cup
• trying to please an expectation implanted in the mind about what they should be doing

Then its plausible that these ideas will transfer to the relationship boundaries and expectations they hold when working with others.

This can cause feelings of suffocation, inadequate space holding for one another, loss of joy and mutual respect.

People tend to speak their mind to others, presenting their ideas knowingly or unknowingly. They may preach in a “should-shaming” nature.

“You should be doing this”

“If I were you, I’d do this”

It may even sound like unsolicited advice given in high frequency, which they may not even realize is often negatively received, and can actually transpose like an abuse of power.

Even when the advice is solicited (someone asks for feedback), it may be given from a highly critical or overly instructive (bossy) perspective.

This is just one example of how we view ourselves, and how that can transpose into our relationships with others.

What does a healthy relationship with the self look like?

This is truly a personal question, as we all have different preferences, expectations and morality. However, there are a few key things to look for.

What do you value most?

How can you treat your inner child?

Thinking of how you might treat a baby, are you able to treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion?

What standards do you hold yourself up to?

Do you have healthy boundaries?

Do you have a clear understanding of your personal needs in the following areas?

• Physical
• Mental
• Spiritual

What is your communication style?

Last but perhaps most important, how is your emotional well-being?

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I had to do a lot of work on my emotional intelligence in order to heal from past experiences that once left me shocked and devastated. After I did this work, I learned that it was a foundational step to healing and strengthening in all other areas, not only with my relationship with myself but also my relationship with others.

This self-work didn’t happen overnight, and it continues to be a focal point in the work I put into all of my relationships.

It felt like I had discovered treasure that was best valued when distributed with my loves.

One of the values I had uncovered was ownership of personal accountability. I had developed relationships that were lacking in this area, and while I felt discontentment, I failed to speak up properly. When I did speak up, some of the people I cared about the most weren’t able to own their pieces.

Before I could just throw in the towel, or speak my peace, I felt that I had to make sure I was able to own my pieces. Hypocrisy is a personal pet peeve.

I wound up losing some of the relationships where I had felt the loyalty, mutual respect, unconditional love were all present because I failed to see that much of those values were only coming from me. Or at least my ideas and expectations of these things.

When these relationships entailed others not willing to own their pieces, as evidenced by deflection, defenses, and failure to do any work to honor the feedback of hardships in the relationship, I was finally able to see that we needed to part ways, and that there was no mutual respect, there was not enough space for either of us to be our true selves unapologetically. Ego was ruling and causing unnecessary competition.

I emerged from these failed relationships with a renewed sense of perspective on unconditional love – and how its agreed to by both parties. With the expectation that I can only control myself, others cannot, nor can I control them. Therefore, I can set my intention that I will only have deep meaningful relationships with people who value and mutually respect personal accountability (AKA own their pieces).

This also gave me a relationship foundation that I work on personally (owning my pieces), and which relationships I am willing to prioritize and invest in. It brought me clarity in areas I was giving too much, or not enough. It helped me to uncover the value of being more compassionate and forgiving.

During the height of the pandemic, I had a profound moment of clarity where I learned that when it comes to relationships,

There is more value in the willingness to be wrong than there is in the determination to be right.

Relationship work can be heavy stuff, but some might argue its the most important part of human existance, mattering over objects, actions, and money. While this may be true, I encourage you as a reader to take your time when thinking through this topic, and any work you put into address it. We are gentle souls who respond better to gentle loving care and energy. We are worth the time and effort!